The problem with expectations

I've noticed in my work with individuals that one of the most common triggers for suffering is that of unmet expectations. Rarely, however, does the person consider that perhaps having the expectation in the first place is what caused the trouble. Instead he or she will usually engage in defending those expectations - apparently thinking that if I just agree that the expectations were reasonable that the suffering will go away. It doesn't. What will alleviate the suffering is letting go of expectations - not justifying them.

I want to share with you a passage from an interesting essay by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat called, "Great Expectations: They cause us more harm than good". Here it is:

Expectations can be a big stumbling block for us, both personally and communally. There is an old story about a man who hunted rabbits. One day when he was out in the woods, a rabbit ran past him and collided with a tree stump, knocking itself unconscious. The man couldn't believe his good fortune as he put the rabbit in his game bag. Every day for the rest of his life, he came back and watched the stump, waiting for this to happen again.

When we participate in some activity, especially something we've done before, we often have big expectations about what will happen, how we will feel, and what the end result will be. When all does not go as expected, we are disappointed. Usually we then look around for someone or something to blame.

Fred calls himself a recovering expecter. He's had the most trouble with expectations in his friendships. Expecting to match the intimacy, equality, and intensity of a meaningful childhood friendship has gotten in the way of his adult friendships. He has had to learn to approach each friend with an open heart and not burden the relationship with his previous experience.

I learned to tame my expectations years ago when I found myself getting tense about a vacation I was about to take. I was full of expectations about how wonderful it was going to be and, interestingly, experiencing some anxiety that my expectations were not going to be fulfilled. In a real breathrough moment, I decided that my only goal for the vacation was to get to my destination and to get back. That was all. If that happened, I would pronounce the vacation a success. That way everything else was icing on the cake. I've had that attitude toward travel ever since. Such an approach allows us to enjoy events as they unfold rather than constantly comparing them to what we thought we wanted. Much suffering is thereby avoided!