Learning to relax

It will not surprise you to learn that in my work I see a lot of people who suffer from too much stress in their lives. Learning to work skillfully with this predicament is really important for a healthy meditative practice. Learning to relax is a critical component in effective stress management. Akong Tulku Rinpoche addresses this in his marvelous book, Taming the Tiger:

There seem to be two main problems when people try to relax. Some people cannot relax because there is a feeling, "I have to be relaxed" and when the feeling of calmness does not come then a feeling of panic arises. So when we try to do relaxation exercises, it is very important that we do not over-react - whatever happens. Even if we are unable to be calm, just simply accept whatever comes.

The other problem is that when a feeling of relaxation does arise one can get involved with it and consequently attached to it. Happiness and excitement can arise from this relaxation one day but when one comes to do the exercise the next day, one has expectations that a similar feeling should arise. If it does not, again there is a tendency to either panic or become very disappointed. You think - "good feelings arose yesterday, then why not today?" There is a kind of warfare going on with oneself. This is itself an obstacle to relaxation. So the important thing is to have no expectations and to simply accept whatever happens.

The way to relax is to learn how to accept yourself. Let go of any expectations about, "I'm doing this exercise - I should have this result or that result." Instead cultivate the ability to know yourself and be with whatever you are thinking or feeling. Making friends with yourself without fighting yourself - that is the way to find relaxation very easily. To someone whose mind is really mature, they can be very happy wherever they are, whatever happens because they have learned to accept themselves and whatever they experience.

I'm a great believer in self-coaching. When I have a feeling arise that could, if I let it, be a disappointment, I coach myself with the words, "accept without judgment; accept without judgment". I know that adding judgment to the challenging thought or feeling will only bring about more suffering. And of this, I'm unshakably convinced: the prevention and alleviation of suffering in myself or others is truly a good thing. It is the foundation for a life of happiness and compassion.