Thursday, June 02, 2005

True peace of mind

Today I picked up a book I've shared with you before: How to Meditate by Kathleen McDonald. I found a wonderful passage explaining just how and why ego-cherishing is such a problem. Here it is:

It is self-cherishing that motivates us to take the biggest piece of cake or the most comfortable chair in the room; to push to the head of the queue or drive as if ours were the only car on the road; to do what we feel like doing without considering how it might affect others. Self-cherishing operates more subtly, too; it lies behind our irritation, pride, jealousy, anxiety and depression. In fact, just about every time we are unhappy or uneasy it is because we are overly concerned with me. We feel that unless we take care of ourselves we will not be happy. In fact, the very opposite is true. Ego's appetite is insatiable - trying to fulfill its wishes is a never-ending job. No matter how much we have, ego continuously grows restless and looks for more. We never reach a point where we feel ultimately satisfied, when we can say, "Now I've had enough."

If, on the other hand, we can turn our mind around to think of others and put their needs and desires first, we will find peace. There is a serenity that comes from truly cherishing others. By acting always according to what is least disturbing for others, ego is gradually subdued and our life and relationships take on a new dimension.

But the attitude of cherishing others is not based on disliking oneself or suppressing one's feelings. It is developed by gradually coming to recognize that everyone needs love and wants happiness, just as we do: that every being in the universe is part of one big family, that we all depend on each other, that there is no such thing as an outsider; that self-cherishing brings problems and cherishing other bring peace of mind.

That last paragraph is so important. Please notice what this is not saying. It is not saying that we should become martyrs and put ourselves down and cherish a self-image of always helping others. That is just another ego-trip. No, McDonald is talking about the real thing: wanting the same love and happiness for others that we naturally and rightly want for ourselves.

A great meditation to help us cultivate a sincere interest in the well-being of others is metta or loving-kindness practice. Start with yourself by saying, "May I be happy. May I be well. May everything be well in my life." Then think of someone you love. "May s/he be happy. May s/he be well. May everything be well in her/his life." Then slowly expand the circle of lovingkindness until you are able to include even difficult people in your well wishing. Finally include all beings. This is a powerful way of interrupting the dynamic of ego-grasping and can provide nearly instant relief from suffering. It is a way of both appropriately taking care of ourselves and others.

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